Nervous Newbie

Dear Amy,
I recently began an intimate relationship with a friend I've known for 4 years. Previous to this relationship, I've only dated men and not very many of those. This is my first relationship with a woman. My partner is 13 years older and is much more experienced. I am having a hard time being relaxed when I'm with her because I'm so unsure of myself sexually. She's been very encouraging and is not pressuring me at all. I'm doing a great job of that myself. What should I do?

New to This

Dear New,

Your partner sounds like a catch! And a friendship is a very solid foundation on which to build a relationship, so congratulations!

Now it's time for you to do your homework. The great thing about your lack of experience with women is that the sky's the limit! You can try just about anything, all for the first time, and see if you like it. So, head to your friendly erotic emporium and buy some sex books written by and for bisexual women and lesbians. I recommend The Whole Lesbian Sex Book. Start with page one, and try each and every thing in there, at least one new thing per day. Why not?! By the time you get to the last page, I guarantee that you'll feel extremely relaxed… Hell, you'll probably have orgasmed yourself into a state of permanent bliss!

Enjoy
Amy

Missing Orgasm

Dear Amy,
I never thought I would get up enough nerve to ask someone this question I've been wondering for some time now. I am gay, and my girlfriend and I have been together for five years. We live together and love one another very much. But, I've been keeping something from her. I have never had an orgasm with her. Before we got together, I had sex with other girls and one guy. With them I never had an orgasm. But, the funny thing is, I can give myself an orgasm. It makes me feel very awkward even writing this down. I have a packer and I put a pair of socks together to give just a little bulge. I watch porn and then I pretty much jerk off. The packer and socks put just enough pressure on my clitoris that I cum every time.

I would just like to have sex with my girlfriend and feel an orgasm as she does. Without her in the room I have tried a vibrator on my clitoris but it's not the same. Nothing seems to work but the packer. I also realized that dry humping the bed or couch with the packer also works. I feel great having sex with her and I don't want anyone else. I'm very wet when we are having sex but I don't cum. I don't know what is wrong with me. Please Help Me. I want to have an orgasm with my girlfriend and hold her tight as we make love. Please help me. I'm begging you I don't know what else to do.

Where is it?

Dear Where,

There's nothing wrong with you. In fact, you are very lucky, because you are orgasmic and you know how to make yourself cum - it is a sad fact that many women can't say the same about themselves.

You know how to have an orgasm when you're alone. Now all you have to do is have one when your girlfriend is around. That's easy: tell her that you want to try something with her that you enjoy doing by yourself. Get your packer and your socks, and show her what you're talking about. Considering how much you love having sex with her, and how healthy your relationship seems to be, this will just add to the fun.

I repeat: there is nothing wrong with you. You know how to get yourself off; next time, just invite her into the room to enjoy the ride…

Enjoy,
Amy

Dating Dilemma

Dear Amy,
I'm a still coming out lesbian in my late 20s. I've never really dated anyone and I've only kissed a few people, and needless to say, I'm a virgin. I'm ok with the thought of dating, but I'm scared out of my mind when it comes to any physical contact. I'm such a bundle of nerves because I'm so clueless. I don't want to scare away someone I really like because I'm a bad kisser or bad in bed, but I'm afraid they'll be wanting to run if I explain why I'm so bad/clueless (it's happened to me before). I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how much information I should share with people, what I should hold back. Should I just keep quiet and try my best to be confident even though I'm a wreck inside?

Scared Silly Virgin

Dear SSV,

Unless you're planning to have sex on a first date, I wouldn't talk about being a virgin on that first date. However, if you are comfortable with and into the woman, you might consider mentioning it during the second or third date.

As for your "bad/ clueless" worries: you're not necessarily bad at kissing or at sex, just because you haven't done it before. Many people are born naturals, and many, many other people have natural chemistry with the person they are kissing/ doing, so that everything feels fabulous and fun! Kissing or sex can feel "bad" if there's no chemistry. I think that anyone who runs away from you is not someone you should bother chasing, because the chemistry wouldn't be there in the first place.

Cluelessness, on the other hand, is not about chemistry. It's about doing a little research on the subject of sex. Go to Babeland, get yourself a book or three, and study the female anatomy (I'm assuming you're planning to get busy with the ladies – study male anatomy, too, if you feel like it!) and female sexual pleasure. Keep reading, until you feel like an expert, or expert enough that your nervousness starts to subside.

Finally, it's time to lose it. Here are a couple of ways:

1. Find a girl who's a virgin, too (see Craigslist Women-Seeking-Women), and lose it together.
2. Go out on a few dates with someone and tell them on the second or third date. It's not a big deal - lots of people are virgins - so don't make it a big deal. It is, however, an exciting deal - she gets to be your first and experience all your excitement and enthusiasm! Be matter-of-fact, tell her you want to rock her world, and put that book-learning to work!
3. Don't say anything. Take a deep breath and dive in, without a lot of conversation.

Guess which one I'd recommend most? Whatever option you choose (and, yes, even if you choose the first one), don't forget the safer sex supplies: gloves, condoms for your toys, dental dams, and lube. You can pick those up at Babeland, too!

Enjoy, Amy

Amy has a degree in sexuality studies, and years of experience as a sex educator. Friends say that makes her a sex expert - she says it makes her someone with a lot of friends. Amy tells us, "I'm the kind of girl people come to with questions about relationships, sex, and dating, so that's why I started DearAmy.net!" Now you can get her advice here, too. Go ahead, ask anything...

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